My heart is broken in a million pieces right now. I can’t stop crying, and I’ve been attempting to hold both my children in my arms for the past hour.
A 10-month old baby from New Zealand died suddenly last night. I’m sure any sane, rational person would probably agree that yes, this is very sad news, but not sad enough to warrant the reaction above.
I’m afraid that I loved this baby. I fell in love with her about 9 months ago, right after I gave birth to my girl, Nina.
Her mother started a blog while she was still pregnant, after doctors discovered there might be some minor complications. She ended up having a daughter who, along with various other health problems, was both blind and deaf. On top of everything else, this blogger was a single mom. She was doing most of this parenting thing on her own.
Her name was Eva, and she had CHARGE syndrome. Her name was Eva, and she was wonderful. And now she’s gone.
My first feeling towards Eva was sadness. I was profoundly sad about her situation. I couldn’t imagine having to accept the challenge of learning to communicate with a blind and deaf person. I quickly realized after about five minutes of reading this mom’s writing that this baby didn’t deserve my sadness. She was so deeply loved. She was perfect.
And then, as I started to read more on Eva, I realized I was addicted to Eva. I loved learning about her upcoming surgeries and appointments, her new sounds and movements, and I was especially jealous of her summertime activities in the Southern hemisphere. I was hesitant whenever I commented on the blog with words of support. What the heck did I know? Who did I think I was? Some parenting expert? Sit down, Mrs. Philp.
I called my husband when I heard the news this morning – and I immediately apologized for being so upset.
“This is stupid. I’ve never even met them.”
As much as I try, I can’t shove these intense feelings away. I refuse to stop being addicted to Eva. I’m going to keep talking about her, sharing her story, and I’m going to keep hugging my kids just a bit harder every day because of her. If you have a baby, a puppy, a lizard, or whatever you choose to love right now, go ahead and wake them up. Give them a giant squeeze, and remind yourself how wonderful their life is.